My World Part V in Five Parts

The Beginnings

I was supposed to go to Florida at the end of March, an adult vacation, just two of us, no kids, no parents, no obligations to anyone except ourselves.

Instead I stayed in St. Louis and was filled with obligation after obligation. My job became a series of essentially bullshit tasks. Grocery shopping was exhausting and stressful. My kids went through waves of deep sadness and deeper boredom.

I dreamed of the beach. I haven't been on a beach in years, perhaps a decade. That whole last week of March I kept thinking "I'm supposed to be on a beach."

The Sustained Boredom

But no. No beach, and no bars and no libraries and no eating out and no casual friendship chatting and holy shit I was losing my mind in April and May.

I did things--I built Leo a bed. I started a garden. I supported Sophia's baking ventures. I read my first romance novel. I watched a lot of Netflix.

And I didn't do things--I no longer had a 45 minute one way commute. I didn't have to brace for my job each day. I didn't waste money on anything. I didn't engage with negative people online or in person.

The Boundless Ennui and Limbo

But as the summer began, the uncertainty of the near and distant future started to take a toll. The headaches are back. I am losing energy required to do basic things as I try to bolster my daughters' moods and keep everything together. I have to cheerlead myself through basic self-care every morning.

The Goddamned Turning Point

On top of that, Sophia got a flat tire this afternoon, I had to interact with my ex-husband and his girlfriend because somehow all three of us were required to change a fucking tire, I have a paper to write for the last class I need to move lanes on the salary scale, it's humid as fuck, the grass needs cutting, the dog needs shaving, I am lonely and bored and frustrated.

Today my favorite cousin posted this.

He and his partner are in the Hamptons, where they have been weathering the NYC Covid-19 storm with perfect hair and two designer dogs. They are fortunate to have a friend with a house and were given free range this whole spring. 

CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE?

WHAT THE FUCK JOEY DON'T YOU KNOW THIS IS KILLING ME?

Le Denouement

There is no untying yet. I am still with a matted poodle and a weedy front yard and not enough beer in the fridge and no beach. No sunsets, no perfect hair, nothing but this. Day after day.

I'm going to go do what must be done. Which in this case is nothing sinister. I think there's a bathroom that needs cleaning and somebody sometime has to make dinner.