February Week 4: Curriculum Vitae
Job 1: WalMart Checker. Proficient in:
- Checking out customers, handling currency, providing basic teenage customer service
- Taking it. Just taking it all with a damned smile
- Memorizing the bar code numbers for all the baby formula and dog food in the store
- Encouraging fellow employees not to despair
Job 2: Cloth World Associate. Proficient in:
- Assisting customers with fabric, notion, and pattern choices
- Estimating yardage requirements for last minute Halloween costumes
- Praising projects of customers desperately needing affirmation
- Arguing with fellow college-aged employees about fabric
Job 3: Resident Assistant (College Dormitories). Proficient in:
- Repairing broken items before checkout
- Imparting illicit knowledge
- Letting people be
- Patrolling hallways and common areas like a negligent security guard
- Doing the minimum requirements to fulfill job duties for free room and board
Job 4: First grade teacher. Proficient in:
- Assisting functionally illiterate parents in filling out vital forms
- Wrapping supplies in kraft and tying with twine
- Deftly avoiding sexual assault in my own classroom in front of first graders
- Making do with nothing in order to provide everything to everyone
- Accidentally self-identifying as Jewish and playing along all year
Job 5: First grade teacher's aide. Proficient in:
- Assisting with planning and implementation of lessons with lead teacher
- Copier repair and functionality
- Picking up dry cleaning and diet coke with lemon
- Recess and lunch duties in all weather situations
Job 6: First grade teacher. Proficient in:
- Individualized, differentiated instruction
- Reading remediation
- Rabbit care
Job 7: Middle School Math teacher. Proficient in:
- Developing school-wide mathematics curriculum, scope and sequence, and plans
- Rebuilding school library
- Teaching middle school mathematics including Algebra I
- Limited Vietnamese, Romany dialect, and Portuguese slang
- Celebrating and understanding immigrant and refugee families' culture and experience
- Checking for lice
Job 8: Stay at home mom. Proficient in:
- Feeding, clothing, and caring for three children for 12 years
- Keeping other people alive
- Selecting appropriate education, health care, and extracurricular options
- Gardening, sewing, household chores, home repair, girl scouting, dance mom duties
Job 9: Middle School Math teacher. Proficient in:
- Conferencing with parents, colleagues, and students for exceptional outcomes
- Mentoring new teachers
- Light janitorial, counseling, maintenance, and event planning duties
- Making and covering up huge mistakes
Job 10: Middle School Special Education teacher. Proficient in:
- Supporting classroom teachers' efforts to educate students with special needs
- Gathering evidence and evaluating data to improve student results and raise test scores
- Navigating relationships with burnt out and negative coworkers to maintain sanity
- Crowd control
- Mediating dangerous situations with students and adults
- Alleviating burdens of coworkers in exchange for Dr. Pepper and chocolate croissants
I'm writing one of these in my head as we speak, but it's not nearly as good as yours. So many wonderful, clever lines here. Like this one: "Limited Vietnamese, Romany dialect, and Portuguese slang"
ReplyDeleteLove this -- very witty at times. You're hired.
ReplyDeleteHa! This is great. I particularly liked all the qualifications for "Resident Assistant" and "Accidentally self-identifying as Jewish and playing along all year."
ReplyDeleteI laughed out loud, and now you've inspired me to think about one of my own. I wish I'd thought of it. You're so clever.
ReplyDeleteI gasped at "Deftly avoiding sexual assault in my own classroom in front of first graders." I loved "Taking it. Just taking it all with a damned smile. And I thought Job #2 was perfect for you!
I've never had Dr Pepper, but I would definitely alleviate burdens for chocolate croissants.
"Deftly avoiding sexual assault in my own classroom in front of first graders!" "Accidentally self-identifying as Jewish and playing along all year!" "Rabbit care!" I loved ALL of this post. (But the sexual assault—Jesus.) So well written. Master of tragecomedy.
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